Intrusive thoughts, please read and answer!?
I’ve had this problem now for about six weeks, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read all of this as I’m really looking for an answer.
Before I start, I should mention I had OCD as a kid. My Dad passed away when I was young, and I used to have this obsession that if I checked the locks hundreds of times each night and stamped my feet on the ground a number of times before getting into bed, nothing would happen to my Mum as a result. Yep, classic OCD. But when I was about 16 I realized it was taking over my life, and I decided to take the risk of not checking the locks, and I seemed to overcome the obsessions/rituals for a good three years or so – until all of this started.
So here’s the problem:
About six weeks ago I watched a TV show that featured a subtle joke about a child fantasizing about harming his family. Keep in mind that I never had these thoughts/worries prior to watching the show, but when I saw it I immediately panicked as my mind created this “mental movie” I guess, of myself harming my Mum in a really violent manner.
Right then and there I had a huge panic attack – sweaty palms, heart racing, the whole deal. I hardly slept that night, and woke up the next day in a real state of anxiety as my mind just seemed to have created a problem from just one line in a TV show.
Fast forward two weeks, and the intrusive thoughts got more and more repetitive and scary. My Mum was the first person I told, and she was really supportive and told me it was all anxiety/OCD. Even so, I went entire days with anxiety attacks every couple of hours, and I just couldn’t get this problem off my mind. Luckily my sister has an anxiety problem she is currently in therapy for, so she’s been a great help during this time.
But one thing led to another, and I became really frightened that I was developing schizophrenia/psychosis even though I’ve never done drugs and there’s no history of mental illness in my family.
The worry of those mental illnesses took place last week, and I’ve since gotten over them, and I have found that my anxiety or “response” to these intrusive thoughts is really low compared to how it was a month ago – so is that a sign that this whole problem is getting better?
Personally I thought it was getting better up until yesterday, until I started freaking out because I’m not experiencing any anxiety but still having bad thoughts, does that mean that I am now enjoying them? It just feels like there’s so much questioning going on in my mind, and as soon as one problem disappears another one pops up to take its place.
I don’t think I’m enjoying them at all, it just feels like my mind is causing me to doubt myself for some reason, it’s bizarre.
I’m currently seeing a psychologist and she told me herself that she doesn’t think I’m crazy. We’ve only had one session though so we’re still going through the “getting to know you” phase, and we haven’t really cracked the problem just yet.
The thing I keep coming back to though is the fact that if I really wanted to act on these thoughts, I would have by now right? A person who wants to act on that thought doesn’t sit around for six weeks and feel anxious and arrange to meet a psychologist do they? I always find some comfort in that.
I guess I want to know from you guys if anyone else has experienced the same thing? How have you dealt with it? And if you’ve had this doubt of enjoying the thoughts – or if it’s just me and I should be concerned?
I’d also like to hear what you guys think the problem is. I’m so desperate for a definite answer so I can have some closure and work toward solving the problem. I don’t want to go on medication or anything because I don’t want to develop an addiction, and I’ve never really been the type to take prescription drugs.
Also keep in mind that I used to pray every single night for my family’s safety (I still do), and I even feel remorse when I kill something like a spider accidentally. I just don’t understand how this problem can arise from one TV show, sometimes I worry I need to be locked away or something, but it’s not like I had these thoughts earlier in life.
Thanks for any answers guys, I really appreciate it. I come here often and always find some comfort in what I read, so I thought it was my turn to post. And sorry again for the length.
Suggestion by Drew
humans have control over actions even thoughts…..the truth is, you’d never harm your mom…..and you know it……..
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Unedited story for Fictionpress. Read/Edit/Comment, please?
WARNING: I AM NOT DONE WITH CHAPTER 1 YET! DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE SO FAR? AND WOULD YOU OFFER SOME HELP TO HELP ME IMPROVE, PLEASE?
Summary: Sophia Rizzuto is not the brightest tool in the shed because she is just too curious for her own good. This, of course, lands her in jail at a faerie king’s court with no idea how to bust herself out. Told with wit, humor and a dash of romance.
Prologue: Sophia would like to pretend that she’s a talented human being, although in all honesty, she’s probably got as much talent as a plastic figurine, or rather, an exceptionally beautiful Styrofoam box that people get when they order take-out from Master Wok. Sophia knows that if she had an ounce of intelligence, she wouldn’t be chained to a concrete wall, with an arm decorated with scratches and a bladder full of pee. Her nails wouldn’t be nearly broken off from all of that clawing against the walls, and her palms wouldn’t be raw and bleeding either. She mutters words, cursing the Christian God first, then the Muslim one, and then all four-billion of the Greek gods/goddesses, especially the bitch in charge of Pandora’s box.
And even though this makes her feel better for a mere five seconds, Sophia is still chained to the wall, and she still has to pee.
Sophia begrudgingly chowed down on her banana in the car, her dad beside her in the driver’s seat, the car heading westward towards the school. This was her last week of school, and nothing should thrill her more, however the fact that she still had to attend the damn place killed the thrilling moment. Plus, it was 6:50 in the morning, and no one wants to battle the world at 6:50 AM.
Most normal freshman in her grade were skipping the entire last week. She, however, had run up all of her absences from faking sick and had to attend if she ever wanted to advance to the 10th grade.
“It’s the last week of school, kid,” her dad said to her, “At least smile.”
“I have summer projects to do. I’d rather not.”
She never understood why the school board issued out summer projects. This was supposed to be a vacation. Vacation, meaning no work.
She sighed heavily. Hopefully she’d find something interesting to do during the summer.
Unfortunately for her, she was subject to two overly protective parents, meaning she could barely walk out of her front door without her father or mother watching behind a window. She would watch the kids who could go to and fro as they pleased with envy. It just wasn’t fair. They would get to experience the world first hand, while she had to search books for just a taste of it. As she stared out of the side window, Sophia watched the trees pass by and made a promise to herself that she’d find adventure. Some how, she’d do what she had to so she could experience that freedom she longed for as a child, and as a teenager.
As the car pulled up to the high school, her father said goodbye, her banana peel went flying into the garbage can in front of the doors, and her mouth formed a little scowl. The school was tepid with hormonal teenagers kissing, hugging and practically groping each other through their clothes, save for the few people who remembered that homeroom was in the next ten minutes. With her bag slung over her shoulder and her body tipping from the weight of it, she managed to maneuver through the active bodies, up the staircase, and to her class.
When she sat down, she sighed again. Today was going to be just another day.
She didn’t mind her history class that much. She liked the fact that almost every person contributed to something, whether they were famous or infamous. Everyone was involved in the plot, everyone was included.
She hated her teacher though. He was boring, and usually assigned worksheets or in-class essays while he read books on mythological creatures. He would sometimes, out of no where, announce to the class what he’d read. One time he literally stopped the class to announce that Nemesis, the Greek god of revenge, would punish all of Athena’s enemies. She didn’t find that little bit of information quite appealing, but nevertheless, the class entertained his enthusiastic lectures so that they could put off working.
On his desk, he kept little green jars of herbs, each labeled “Jasmine,” “Thyme,” and “Hawthorne,” which he would sporadically open during class periods. No one ever asked him about it — it was creepy after all — but Sophia often wondered why he did. But Sophia figured that this all fell under the Mr. Smith Was Just Weird Umbrella, and left it at that.
I’m 15, and yes, I’m just a tad bit sensitive, so mind your manners please.
Oh don’t you worry about old KK over here. She’s mourning the death of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, is all. I’m sure she’ll be in even BETTER spirits tomorrow!
How was I supposed to know that you were 28? lol, I wish I were THAT talented to guess people’s ages through the internet. But thanks anyways KK for your answer. Care to stop by another time if you see one of my questions?
Suggestion by Vanessa O
Sounds really good so far!! don’t know about the faerie king part, sorry i just don’t like stuff like that but other wise i’d love to read the rest 🙂
Suggestion by KK
So let me get this straight: This is unedited, chapter is incomplete, you’re a bit sensitive, and you’re asking people to mind their manners. Hmm.
How about YOU mind your manners by not rudely posting incomplete and unedited work? There’s a thought.
Interestingly I’m in a great mood today yet crap like this tends to both amuse me and irk me.
Old? Pfft. I’m only 28 thank you much. And uh, Cath, she asked for help with editing too. READ the top portion of the comment before YOU swipe at me.
Suggestion by cathrl69
Your prologue…isn’t, really. It’s much more of a blurb. It’s fun, but it doesn’t fit as a prologue.
I liked the start of the story itself. It’s quirky and funny, and it manages to avoid “obnoxious teen who needs a good slap” syndrome. I especially liked the “Mr Smith Was Just Weird umbrella”. And it’s so nice to read a story here which is spelt, punctuated and paragraphed properly 🙂
Lose the “told with wit and humour” bit of the summary. I wouldn’t even click on a summary where the author said that about their own writing.
Edit: KK, try reading before you swipe next time. She’s one of the few posters here who actually HAS edited her story.
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